Craft “Herpes” & The Holidays


When I see glitter I think, “Sparkle, sparkle.” This phrase of course is said in the waning gay  man lisp; while I do a dance routine from “Mamma Mia” in an off Broadway vibe. Hello I am gay in this lifetime. You  may be thinking, well gay equals lots of body glitter and sparkling ponies. NO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Stop the bus, and back up over the dead unicorn.

Glitter is the bane of my existence. It may look pretty, but it has been deemed “Craft Herpes.” No, not by a doctor, but by children of Midwest housewives. Among the bio degenerates of the 2016 generation there are things that the holidays have done that isn’t so cheery. One of them is having to wrap a decoration in plastic packaging  because of the glitter content. When I think of Christmas, I think of silicosis.

The modern day vs. the past consists of dough in a tube. The almighty “Slice ‘n’ bake” has saved so many tragic housewives from hours spent with their screaming children. These woman spend their husbands money and get their nails done. They love pre-made holiday food and lying about the lifestyle. They salivate over a pre-made cheese platter from the grocery store, and always go to families homes because they have cigarette burns on their furniture. If you think I am being unfair, try looking at the children I went to high school with. They have become the epitome of tragic chic. They complain about their husbands. The husbands get drunk to forget about their screaming progeny. The woman eat, eat, eat and just adore glitter.

So when you see glitter, you may be thinking “Pretty!” I on the other hand am thinking poor tragic souls. The amount spent has become more popular than family memories. Children cry all the time because we have spoiled them and now we all have centered our selves around gift giving.

Moral of the story: All that is shiny, comes with a realistic stigma. It may look amazing on the outside, but on the inside it is really cold and desolate. I think I might give a box of glitter and watch as your kids spread the Christmas joy around in your carpets. I will be doing so with a laugh and a martini. Ho! Ho! Ho!

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