Halloween in Longmont, Co.

shirnerAs deranged as this picture is, so is Longmont unfortunately. Half the town is ultra conservative, the other half just doesn’t give a F. Halloween is a wonderful example of this mish mash of points.

Everyone leaves their porch lights on, and opens the door in a costume. People go above and beyond to try and scare the little kids. The conservatives put cute solar jack ‘o’ lanterns out and maybe a scarecrow on the porch. The other half make it a blood bath horror movie. They involve the neighbors and scare the S**** out of everyone.

Remembering my neighborhood, I had every major religion of the west. one in particular was the old Jewish lady. She would walk too and from the corner gas station in her carpet slippers and quilted house coat. her hair died violet and curlers always in them. I thought maybe she was a hip old lady who had hot dates everyday.  Behind her was the monkey. It reminded me of Disney but it smoked like a train. As she walked, the monkey followed carrying her carton of cigarettes.

Halloween she never gave candy. I would say, “Trick or treat”, she would say, “Cream of mushroom soup.” I learned early on that I needed to double up the treat bag or her soup would put a hole through the bottom. Sometimes I would she her in her yard as I passed by. I would wave, and she would scream, “Stay our of my grass you heathen.”

Being young I asked where the monkey came from. This monkey always wore a vest and a little red hat, the cigarette hanging from his pursed lips. In a very shaky old woman’s voice, ” He was a hand grinders’ monkey.”


Moral of the story is: Some people give out candy; and some people give out cream of mushroom soup. Difference is the spice of life, but try telling a seven year old that.

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